When “I’ve Got This” Becomes the Problem - Leadership of Receiving
When I was six, my parents’ divorce asked something of me that no child should have to carry: to be “strong.” I didn’t receive it as an event in my family—I received it in my Body. The tone of my mother’s voice, her posture, her gaze—all of it taught my nervous system that something serious was happening and that I had to step up. In an instant, I grew up. What I didn’t know then was that this early lesson would quietly shape my leadership, my relationships, and even my health for decades.
In that moment, I built a model of strength that optimized for independence, control, and self-reliance. In my mind, to receive was to be dependent; to depend was to be weak; and weakness meant being hurt. From an AI perspective, you could say I set the wrong objective function early on: maximize self-sufficiency, minimize need. The system “performed” well—my career advanced, I achieved, I delivered—but over time the cost function became unbearable.
This was most evident in my year as an exchange student in Manhattan, Kansas. Without a car, I chose hour-long walks in freezing winter rather than ask for a lift. I went days with an empty fridge rather than receive help. On the outside, this looked like resilience; inside, it was isolation disguised as strength. My friends wanted to help, but I kept rejecting them—unintentionally rejecting the relationship itself.
My Body eventually refused to cooperate with this model. Tension lived in my neck and throat where unspoken needs accumulated. My posture slouched under invisible responsibility. My temper flared; numbness set in. Somatically, my system was overloaded, carrying too much alone.
The turning point came from observing my mother. I saw how she too rejected the care she needed—and how that rejection quietly hurt the friends who loved her. I also noticed how, when she did receive, she rushed to “even the score,” turning connection into transaction. In that mirror, I recognized myself.
What I learned is simple but profound: receiving is not weakness—it is relational intelligence. When we say a heartfelt “thank you” and let it land, we allow connection to circulate. We let others matter. We let ourselves be human.
In leadership terms, this is a shift from hyper-independence to interdependence—from “I’ve got this alone” to “we’ve got this together.” In somatic terms, it is a shift from bracing to softening, from gripping to allowing. In AI terms, it is recalibrating the objective function from “control” to “connection.”
I am still practicing. At every crossroads—receive or decline—I remember the faces of my mom’s friends, and I choose differently. I remind myself that receiving is not only about me; it is about the quality of the whole system I am part of.
If I could, I would go back to Kansas and let my friends take me to the grocery store. Not for the food—but for the friendship, the warmth, the shared humanity.
The Invitation
Where in your leadership might “false strength” be costing you connection, creativity, or wellbeing?
What would change if, this week, you simply practiced saying: “Yes—thank you.”
If this story resonates with you and you stand at the crossroads of receiving or declining — I’d love to hear from you. And I return every email and message I receive from you.
